Include you in all i do..

Christmas, i should be picking out your christmas dress with great excitement, and the cuteness you would be showing now..telling momma and daddy stories..in lillerones form. What is your beautiful personality??..i miss you KristaLeigh..my sweet girl. Rest easy. 

Hopeful Hearts and Shattered Glass..

Just let me feel what i feel. 

let me feel like the words 

"...sometimes it just happens..babies die..

with no rhyme or Reason..."

"Unknown Cause.."

brings me back to the day she passed

with all the pain that rushed in,

dont down play it..

With phrases like

"You wouldnt find peace in 

Knowing either, you would continue to ask why.."

You dont know my heart. 

You dont. 

Let me feel what i feel

Your words are unhelpful. 

Let me be.

"...the pain hurts you More than
the shattered glass that you walk on
and you see your Reflection
only part of who you used to be before..."
Shattered Glass - M.L. Smith

Five months...<3

So i thought i would check in with myself.. Its be a brutal five months..as i sit here with insomnia and full of missing KristaLeigh.. I look at the progress and think I've pulled on some magical strength that keeps me moving in a forward motion. I have come to accept that i could do nothing to fight for her.. She was gone before i was alerted.. Went from a place of blame to understanding.. I have accepted that she will not be coming back and that this hell i am living..isn't some horrible nightmare happening in my Subconscious mind. Its my reality. my harsh reality. My youngest is dead. And there is no pleading for her to just magically appear healthy and her bed..its empty..now..i just need to find myself again...to heal this broken raw and jaded heart of mine. Learn how to communicate my needs once more, to move from this dark soul ..back into a beacon of light. I was told by a very awesome man once.."you have to surround your self with people that have a fire burning in their soul..so when yours is just an smouldering ember it can be relit with just the heat alone.." -Pastor Dave Wood (WECA) ...so now i must get over the "isolating numbness" i call the new me.. 

Something You should Know From the Start of this STORMY Road

Hello,

I asked a group of people who have gone through a lost of a child

one questions.

"If you could say something to someone just starting this journey 

what would it be.."

And these are some of the responses..

I will Speak the Names of our Angels 

ill bring it into my space..

and dance with them

through this 

stormy road..

<3

Day 15 : Wave of Light

On this day we light a candle for the children
that has passed on.
in a continuous light
surrounding
us
in
the darkness.

Day 12 : Article

Day 14 : Family

My Family.. some are not shown.
although they are truely loved.
just not enough space..
so thats why its written
<3

Day 13 : Book

Bless those who mourn..<3

I have read this book.

and i suggest it.

<3..

Day 11 : Emotional Triggers.

Day 10: Belief

I am spiritual.

I believe in God.

I believe he is called by many names..

he is an energy of the greater goodness.

he is righteous.

I am sure that 

KristaLeigh 

is sitting at the right side of his feet.

With her 

Brightly Shining Halo

and 

Her Glistening Wings.

and that Brings Me 

PEACE.

I see beneath the shadow of your wings..- Better is one day Kutless

Day 9: Music

this song represents both my daughters

and is written by one of my most Favorite Bands,

He wrote it for his daughter Blue.

My earthly child used to ask for this song by name when she needed comfort.

I used to sing it to her,

I wanted to share it with KristaLeigh.

unfortunately I didn't get the chance.

but when I finally felt able to listen to this song,

I felt her laying on my chest,

I cried hard..

but that feeling,was

 the MOST beautiful feeling

in the world.

to have her love shown to me 

<3 

Blue October © All Rights belong to them

Day 8 : Colour

She shows her self through all senses..

Her room is this color

When she shows herself this colour 

Presents itself.

Day 7: Me Now

Strength

Grace

Love

Day 6 : Ritual

This statement gets 

Me through the hard days

Day 5: Memory

I have many beautiful memories of her

From daddies stories..

The inudatedness of joy

She laughed.

She played.

She knew her name 

She knew voices.

Day 4 : Legacy

I had to ask her daddy what he thought her Legacy was.. 

he looked at me and said her Love.

she knew she was loved and wanted.. 

she brought us 

together 

throughout it all.

Her Love will Guide us through!..

<3

Day three : myths

Time heals all wounds,

When you loose a beautiful child 

That wound stays never scars.

So deep. Always open.

Day 2: Identity

Her name was of her picking..she came in a dream and said "please refrain from calling me coraleigh..my name is KristaLeigh." As soon as i verbalized her name with sound. She began to dance and kicking inside me spreading my body with great joy, her daddy suggested geneva And it stuck but we changed the spelling to Geniva , when my grandmother traveled with us up the island every stop we took there wasthis blue   jay. My grandmother always told   Me that she just loved them..so thats how we came with Blue..for Grandma Joan Guilford..

KristaLeigh's was the most lovely energy i had felt for a long time..she was a beautiful mixture of us. She was so amazingly beautiful she had this blond halo that highlighted her face the rest of her hair was dark..

She was Wanted..She is Loved..She was Ours...

Day 1 : sunrise

This was taken october 1st at 715am 

onVancouver island for 

the healing project being held 

by Carly Marie, 

called Capture your grief .. 

   

...A Swayful Month Two...

today marks the second month with out you KristaLeigh..

at times i feel like pieces of my heart went with you 

Sweet Angel,

momma misses the sound of your heartbeat dancing with hers..

momma misses the joy in her heart..

momma misses your kicks.

momma misses your laughter that daddy brought out in you..

momma misses talking to her belly..

All i wanted was time..

Time.. 

to see you grow.

Time..

To see your smiles..your giggle..

Time!..

to learn all about you..

This picture was taken by: nilmdts, 

Conversations with the moon

She dances with the moon,

twinkles with the stars..

Her light guides us

Her love

Illuminates us.

I will ride the waves to support you....

My brother "Ghosty" wrote this to me..my heart weeped. So beautiful <3

...DueDate...heart break...

As the waves start...the thoughts come..if she continued to dance with me in this life..the one full of love..would we have gone into labour..the pain followed by complete joy..to hear her song flow from her beautiful lungs..to feel her warmth wrap around the whole room.

But then we face the reality..she was born to heaven..with wings and a halo waiting for her.. God gets to sing the song of unconditional love with her.. Find peace in that sweet beauty. Shes silent to my ears but one day soon she'll come sing with me.. 

*~{Miss you sweet angel KristaLeigh}~*

What does the most good?

Sitting on the shore of life..as waves hit my shore i have come to realize that if i sit here in my grief and get inundated, getting swept and pulled out, lost in the swells.. Barely breathing ..Who does that serve?.. It doesn't bring her back.. It takes me away from the ones i called loved. It limits me, hides my heart leaves me in this uncomfortable place. Where love gets distorted  -melancholy sets in .. So i face those moments.. I feel them i honour them.. I pull my self to the present.. I call it what it is..pain heartache tragedy ..but i always bring her beauty into the conversation..to remind us that she bonded to us she knows our voices..we told her all the way..that she is loved and wanted..we told her stories about papa and we introduced her to her  family through those stories.. She learnt their voices too..so i hold on to the light that it has created.. KristaLeigh wouldn't want us to get lost in the creeping darkness..so we keep moving foreward ..watching every wave..<3 

?!

the waves hit my shores rather hard today..they talk in riddles and it all makes no sense..how can they be satisfied with the answer unknown it just happens.. why isn't there an outcry to find reasons why.. instead of being a statistic why don't they take that information and research why the hell this bullshit keeps happening to families. i desperately search for a medical reason.. it couldn't just be as random as this seems to be. I was instructed to have faith..i don't know what the lesson is in this.. GOD I KNOW I'M STRONG..BUT WHY MUST WE TEST THIS THEORY OVER AND OVER!!... i have the right to question him right now.. he knew how much she was wanted..how much our love was poured into her..she was ours!! why did you need her!! all i wanted was her time.. nothing more!! i wanted to hear her cry..i wanted to kiss her face...hold her..teach her...learn from her..now we just have questions..confusion..and sorrow.. i know he can handle me being mad at him.. She is Loved..She was Wanted..She is Ours?! ...

Minds at sway..

At times the air is wripped out of my lungs when i think of you my sweet girl..your beautiful little face..your sweet little fingers.. I speak your name daily...you are very much actively in my thoughts..She is Loved..She was Wanted..She is Ours!..

His love.

His love radiates through out his day and copes and mourns with such grace.. We are facing this tragedy as one and we openly keep her name in our lives.. He lets me in and i let him in its such a blessing.. She picked us.. We are hers.. And she is Ours. <3

One harsh month

One month ago..on this night.. We still had light in our hearts.. The song of her heart beat rang in our ears.. She was alright..no signs.. Just my body failing me..the pain in my body..no different then any other time..i was stable. Now i just have this urn heart shaped..i can say that my heart is now on the outside of my body..she took most of it with her...the rest of it searches for peace..i sway on..She is loved..She was wanted..She is Ours! 

sometimes the anger runs through my body with out being able to control the thoughts that come to my mind,

the urge to yell and scream are getting louder and more frequent.

when the moment you find that your life will forever be changed by a death of child..

new life.. you ask yourself 

"why god..why did you have to take her..

you let her choose us..

then..

you take her from us..

I'm So mad at you for the tease of a life time..

you took her away from us.."

in the same moment you have this utter peace inundate you every sense..

"..for her grace and love 

will forever be sitting 

at the right of gods feet..

She is apart of his Army of Angels.."

but you go back to being angry..

"She is Loved,

She was wanted,

 oh Lord, 

she was Ours!!."

†~*"..Let not your hearts be troubled.
Believe in God;
believe also in me.
In my Father's house are many rooms.
If it were not so,
would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you?
And if I go and prepare a place for you,
I will come again and will take you to myself,
that where I am
you may be also.
And you know the way to where I am going...”*~†
(John 14:1-4)

...waves...

My grief has been like waves ..

some small moments of emotions..

others huge to the point knocking me to my knees..

others..

it feels like you cant breathe. 

Just a broken mess.. 

I'm slowly learning that its hard to control the waves ... 

I just have this huge fear of letting the pain and hopelessness in loosing her..

and never being able to make it out alive from this.. 

Those huge waves scare me.. 

I know in my heart her love will guide us through..

Her Beautiful Story..

We confirmed we were pregnant with KristaLeigh Geniva Blue on January 10th.. We talked to her.. Enjoyed her.. Worried about her.. My health scares were hard.. But she continued to grow and pass her milestones..she is loved..she was wanted.. She is ours.. On July 23 2013. The pain came.. I thought it was my pancreas just like times before.. We got stable..she got monitored..she passed..her heartbeat showed no signs..daddy said goodnight to her.. Told her he loved her.. And went home.. I had a bath..then they gave me an Ativan to sleep.. Somewhere in the night she woke me up moving.. I said good girl Kristaleigh..good girl..and passed out again..in this time.. She passed away..she was called home..when i woke up..i couldn't pass urine.. I freaked out..called the nurse..but all i remember is darkness.. And voices..and i was out again.. By the time i had an ultrasound..which was done in silence..no one talked..i don't know how long later.. I was told..the walls shook..the angry and fear overcame me..i cried out.. How! How!! I'm not the only one bonded to this child..how am i to tell them shes gone!! My body was in full crash.. Kidney failing..my levels were telling the Dr . I was dying too..still pleaded with all i had to birth her vaginally ..they told me i was to sick.. They had to take her...i don't know her weight.. I don't know her length.. What hurts the most right now is i didn't get to kiss her little head.. And verbally speak to her.. I had ten tubes..doing all the work for me..and i just wanted her..when i held her.. I pushed through the medication.. I remember my moments with her..skin to skin. 

July 24th. 2013 (32 weeks gestational) 

- i love you my beautiful Angel..-

KristaLeigh Geniva Blue

As this storm rages
 in sorrow and pain,
Her Love will guide Us through..
And Light our way
<3