?!

the waves hit my shores rather hard today..they talk in riddles and it all makes no sense..how can they be satisfied with the answer unknown it just happens.. why isn't there an outcry to find reasons why.. instead of being a statistic why don't they take that information and research why the hell this bullshit keeps happening to families. i desperately search for a medical reason.. it couldn't just be as random as this seems to be. I was instructed to have faith..i don't know what the lesson is in this.. GOD I KNOW I'M STRONG..BUT WHY MUST WE TEST THIS THEORY OVER AND OVER!!... i have the right to question him right now.. he knew how much she was wanted..how much our love was poured into her..she was ours!! why did you need her!! all i wanted was her time.. nothing more!! i wanted to hear her cry..i wanted to kiss her face...hold her..teach her...learn from her..now we just have questions..confusion..and sorrow.. i know he can handle me being mad at him.. She is Loved..She was Wanted..She is Ours?! ...

Minds at sway..

At times the air is wripped out of my lungs when i think of you my sweet girl..your beautiful little face..your sweet little fingers.. I speak your name daily...you are very much actively in my thoughts..She is Loved..She was Wanted..She is Ours!..

His love.

His love radiates through out his day and copes and mourns with such grace.. We are facing this tragedy as one and we openly keep her name in our lives.. He lets me in and i let him in its such a blessing.. She picked us.. We are hers.. And she is Ours. <3

One harsh month

One month ago..on this night.. We still had light in our hearts.. The song of her heart beat rang in our ears.. She was alright..no signs.. Just my body failing me..the pain in my body..no different then any other time..i was stable. Now i just have this urn heart shaped..i can say that my heart is now on the outside of my body..she took most of it with her...the rest of it searches for peace..i sway on..She is loved..She was wanted..She is Ours! 

sometimes the anger runs through my body with out being able to control the thoughts that come to my mind,

the urge to yell and scream are getting louder and more frequent.

when the moment you find that your life will forever be changed by a death of child..

new life.. you ask yourself 

"why god..why did you have to take her..

you let her choose us..

then..

you take her from us..

I'm So mad at you for the tease of a life time..

you took her away from us.."

in the same moment you have this utter peace inundate you every sense..

"..for her grace and love 

will forever be sitting 

at the right of gods feet..

She is apart of his Army of Angels.."

but you go back to being angry..

"She is Loved,

She was wanted,

 oh Lord, 

she was Ours!!."

†~*"..Let not your hearts be troubled.
Believe in God;
believe also in me.
In my Father's house are many rooms.
If it were not so,
would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you?
And if I go and prepare a place for you,
I will come again and will take you to myself,
that where I am
you may be also.
And you know the way to where I am going...”*~†
(John 14:1-4)

...waves...

My grief has been like waves ..

some small moments of emotions..

others huge to the point knocking me to my knees..

others..

it feels like you cant breathe. 

Just a broken mess.. 

I'm slowly learning that its hard to control the waves ... 

I just have this huge fear of letting the pain and hopelessness in loosing her..

and never being able to make it out alive from this.. 

Those huge waves scare me.. 

I know in my heart her love will guide us through..

Her Beautiful Story..

We confirmed we were pregnant with KristaLeigh Geniva Blue on January 10th.. We talked to her.. Enjoyed her.. Worried about her.. My health scares were hard.. But she continued to grow and pass her milestones..she is loved..she was wanted.. She is ours.. On July 23 2013. The pain came.. I thought it was my pancreas just like times before.. We got stable..she got monitored..she passed..her heartbeat showed no signs..daddy said goodnight to her.. Told her he loved her.. And went home.. I had a bath..then they gave me an Ativan to sleep.. Somewhere in the night she woke me up moving.. I said good girl Kristaleigh..good girl..and passed out again..in this time.. She passed away..she was called home..when i woke up..i couldn't pass urine.. I freaked out..called the nurse..but all i remember is darkness.. And voices..and i was out again.. By the time i had an ultrasound..which was done in silence..no one talked..i don't know how long later.. I was told..the walls shook..the angry and fear overcame me..i cried out.. How! How!! I'm not the only one bonded to this child..how am i to tell them shes gone!! My body was in full crash.. Kidney failing..my levels were telling the Dr . I was dying too..still pleaded with all i had to birth her vaginally ..they told me i was to sick.. They had to take her...i don't know her weight.. I don't know her length.. What hurts the most right now is i didn't get to kiss her little head.. And verbally speak to her.. I had ten tubes..doing all the work for me..and i just wanted her..when i held her.. I pushed through the medication.. I remember my moments with her..skin to skin. 

July 24th. 2013 (32 weeks gestational) 

- i love you my beautiful Angel..-

KristaLeigh Geniva Blue

As this storm rages
 in sorrow and pain,
Her Love will guide Us through..
And Light our way
<3