Valentines Day.

                   Today is love day

                       Sweet Girl,

     Although you are only here in spirit 

              Our love travels with you.

          We feel your love surround us

                              <3

sleepless nights..and broken hearts...

As the morning twilight starts to form by the horizon

my heart doesn't want to rest..

it just plays your memory over and over.

and my body aches for you..

empty arms..

teary eyes..

Miss you my sweet child

i feel like you were stolen from my love.

and the walls fight with me..

do you miss me too?..

little absent kicks..

heartbeats stop..

emptiness fills..

with a silence so loud its deafening..

oh sweet child.

what i would do just to hear you..

giggle.

What i would do..

to see you fall in love with this world..

What i would do..

to hold you..

to kiss you.

My Sweet Girl.

Right Here...

You are not with me

In flesh or bone..

But your spirit is

Right here

<3

Fights and chaos.

Its not always easy to communicate what i need and at times its even hard for your dad to hear those needs...we do our best to love one another through this tragic time away from you. We forget to be gentle with ourselves. And at times i have to remember he is mourning the loss of you. And at times i feel limited by that mourning also. I feel like i dont get the chance to have a quiet moment or a loud moment. The constant worry about it all is that i will just finally snap. And it will all be for nothing. And i dont want to get to that point. I need to create that space again where i can find "sanctuary" so i can find my sanity again. To center myself and ground my feet because my ledge is narrowing..im climbing..and at times im falling.. The anxiety overwhelms my mind and frantic sets in.. And as much as we want to honour our love for you by staying united and together.. At times we just need that "time to be with ourselves" but we find that distraction..or friction..and we collide and clash and bend..and the thunder rumbles and the lighting flashes the stormy skies in rage and hurt follows closely as the strikes hit our already scorched shores..wounds open wide that we so desperately want to scar over...We will see ourselves through this storm. i love you Krista Leigh Geniva Blue. <3 

Include you in all i do..

Christmas, i should be picking out your christmas dress with great excitement, and the cuteness you would be showing now..telling momma and daddy stories..in lillerones form. What is your beautiful personality??..i miss you KristaLeigh..my sweet girl. Rest easy. 

Hopeful Hearts and Shattered Glass..

Just let me feel what i feel. 

let me feel like the words 

"...sometimes it just happens..babies die..

with no rhyme or Reason..."

"Unknown Cause.."

brings me back to the day she passed

with all the pain that rushed in,

dont down play it..

With phrases like

"You wouldnt find peace in 

Knowing either, you would continue to ask why.."

You dont know my heart. 

You dont. 

Let me feel what i feel

Your words are unhelpful. 

Let me be.

"...the pain hurts you More than
the shattered glass that you walk on
and you see your Reflection
only part of who you used to be before..."
Shattered Glass - M.L. Smith

Five months...<3

So i thought i would check in with myself.. Its be a brutal five months..as i sit here with insomnia and full of missing KristaLeigh.. I look at the progress and think I've pulled on some magical strength that keeps me moving in a forward motion. I have come to accept that i could do nothing to fight for her.. She was gone before i was alerted.. Went from a place of blame to understanding.. I have accepted that she will not be coming back and that this hell i am living..isn't some horrible nightmare happening in my Subconscious mind. Its my reality. my harsh reality. My youngest is dead. And there is no pleading for her to just magically appear healthy and her bed..its empty..now..i just need to find myself again...to heal this broken raw and jaded heart of mine. Learn how to communicate my needs once more, to move from this dark soul ..back into a beacon of light. I was told by a very awesome man once.."you have to surround your self with people that have a fire burning in their soul..so when yours is just an smouldering ember it can be relit with just the heat alone.." -Pastor Dave Wood (WECA) ...so now i must get over the "isolating numbness" i call the new me..